…Then They’re Gone

Life is terminal.

It’s probably the absolute only thing in this world that we can guarantee. One day sometime in the near or far future, we will eventually stop breathing, the pulse fades, and the heart stops.

Everything just ends. You no longer are you. You become a body, an it.

I have an issue processing death, probably because I’m not usually even remotely close to it.

There was a death in the family that occurred today. Not a direct family member (i.e.Parent, grandparent, sibling, etc) but a relative, and I’ve been having a weird experience trying to process this whole situation.

I saw the body, the corporeal form of what was once a happy, jolly man, laying still atop the left over snow of the wrath of Stella the storm with a cop car parked in front standing and waiting.

It was covered by just a sheet so only the feet were showing, but it was there. They couldn’t move the body until the coroner arrived. Apparently, he dropped due to a heart attack while out shoveling. He was ninety-three.

Was.

He was a he, a living person, and now he’s a body, an it.

I don’t understand. I am just unable to process exactly what happened and why things are the way they are. He was here, and now he as he was isn’t.

Was.

I’ve never been really been able to understand or process death. Death has not swung its scythe that close to me. I had an aunt that dies long before I or any of my siblings or cousins were born. My grandfather passed away from a heart attack before I was born, and my great-grandmother died when I was in high school, but we weren’t all that close. I’ve been spared the touch of death, and I have never had to learn how to deal with any of what it entails.

So when it comes even remotely close to me, I just shut down emotionally.

When death happens, whether its close to me or not, I just go blank.  I stop. Part of it is that I have no clue how to grieve like a normal human. I don’t cry or scream or yell. I just go blank, like there’s some stranger barrier blocking me from feeling or expressing anything related to the dearly departed. I feel like I act so heartless because I don’t show any real trace of sadness.

Also, for some weird reason, when every other human is grieving normally over the loss of a loved one, I feel like I need to be the calm and the steady amongst all of the emotional chaos in the room . Maybe, its because I need to feel like I’m involved in the grieving process since I’m not emotional involved in it. I can be the support for everyone else that is reacting. I am the steady. I have to be the steady.

Death is. No matter how  you think life should go, death is.

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