I hate being single.
So, I’m going to be completely honest with everyone, I’ve never been in a relationship. I’ve never even kissed another person. I am a sad lonely loveless virgin. I’m a flirt, but I’ve never had a real romantic relationship. My inner flirt is romantically homeless. I am absolutely ready to find some romance in my life. I’m lonely and bored. Yet, while I know I want love in my life, I have to ask myself one very important question.
Am I ready for a relationship?
I’m an adult, sort of. I have a full-time job, but I still have to live at home for monetary reasons. I go out, but I will still chill at home watching the same cartoons I did when I was a child. I’ll have a few alcoholic beverages, but I still love a good glass of juice on a Saturday morning. While I’ve made my growing up a bit optional, I thought I’d grown up enough to be ready for love, but I don’t know if that is exactly true. When it comes to love, I just have no idea where to go. It’s not exactly something you can just look up in a book. I mean, if you can, please for the love of God let me know where I can purchase this magical text.
I’m scared. I want a relationship, but I’m scared to even go near one.
For almost twenty-seven years of my life, my heart has been mine and mine alone. I’ve only ever had to meet my own needs and my heart’s desires. If something doesn’t make me happy or fit my particular reality, I let it go and move on. The only thing I ever have to worry about, aside from my friends and family, is me. I’m not saying I am a selfish person, but relationships require compromising. I’ve never had to really do that for another person.
On the other hand, maybe I just haven’t meant the guy worth waiting for yet.
I may not know what I want, but I’m pretty damn sure I know what I don’t want. The other day, I had the opportunity to talk to a nice gentleman online on a social media site. He sent me a friend request and finally started a conversation. He told me about his job and interests, and then he asked me about mine. We talked for about an hour or so, and I must have replied to his inquiries favorably because I earned a request for a coffee date. I turned it down, telling him I wanted to get to know him better. In truth, I don’t really care.
I was so bored.
Maybe, I’ve read too many books to best understand how to determine what a real, not fictional relationship and courtship should be, but I didn’t feel a single spark while I was conversing with this nice guy. I know it was just our first conversation, but nothing we talked about invited me to want to know more or keep the conversation going.
I may not know what I want in a relationship, but I know I want more than just a pleasant conversation .