Friends, I’m at my wits’ end.
Ah, summertime. It’s that time of year where I am coming into contact with high school friends and old acquaintances as they tell me where they have grown in their own lives and am reminded about exactly where my own life compares to the lives of my contemporaries.
I’m a failure, an absolute failure.
It seems like everybody is getting married, moving out, and moving on in their lives, and I’m just here. I’m still living with my parents, still working at the same job for the last two years, still single, and still in the same place I was before. I’m just still and stuck. I have no clue how I’m supposed to get myself out of this stupid rut. How do I balance still doing a good day’s work at my current job, as it would be rude and disrespectful to become lazy at my current job whether I’m in my desired career field or not, with striving to become more than what I am and going farther than where I am? What do I even want to with me? What are my actual goals? Am I ready to move on with my life?
What am even I doing with my life?
I thought I did absolutely everything right. I had decent grades during high school and followed the logical course of college. Unlike many of my peers, despite a few roadblocks, I managed to graduate in the traditional four years. I thought I had a job lined up, but the company ended up having a hiring freeze before being bought out by another company. After a year of no luck with the job hunt, I decided on graduate school in order to better my prospects. I found a full time job while I was working towards my second degree, and I thought everything was in line to lead to better things for me. I would get a little work experience as I earned my degree and would look like the perfect candidate for potential employers. I had the good degrees and the experience to back it up; getting a good job in a different town and possibly a different state. Why wouldn’t employers want to hire a person like me? I thought I was golden ands set for bigger and better things in this world.
How naive I was.
Life has just stalled for me. I’m still at the same job, sitting on these two degrees, and completely miserable. I don’t hate my job, and I’m proud of my degrees. I work, I hope, well at the job I have now, but I haven’t moved through my career as well as I have hoped. I worked damn hard for my college degrees, but I have yielded no rewards for my efforts. Nothing I’ve done has proved that anything I have done worth any of the effort.
I’m not sure whether to just give up or just keep on fighting for a better world for myself. I feel myself beginning to break apart, but I remember one thing.
To make a glow stick glow, you have to break it.
Maybe, I will be able to shine when I’ve reached my breaking point.