If I knock on the door, will someone let me in?
Friends and random strangers of the world wide web, I am alone.
Today, I tried to make plans with friends to hang out and go shopping, and I got not a single response from anyone I tried to reach out to in my efforts. This seems to be a regular occurrence for me these days. As a result, I’ve become somewhat of a homebody of late. Either friends have come too busy, not their fault, or they just simply do not respond either way when it comes to making plans, totally their fault. Whatever the case, I only know one thing.
I’m really lonely and have been for quite some time.
Making friends was never easy for me. Despite my drama queen status as a child, I didn’t exactly seek out companions; they just sort of happened. I never moved once as a kid, so I didn’t have to make friends. My school companions were people I was in class with, and those who didn’t hate me became my friends. Over time, some eventually rejected me or simply forgot me. As of now, there are only a handful of people I can call true friends.
Plus, I like to burn bridges when trust is broken.
When someone hurts me or does something that I deem wrong, I can never forget. I may be able to forgive them as time goes on, but I will always remember when they slighted me. Trust is so hard to rebuild once there is a crack in it.
In addition, I’m not a great person at judging social interactions.
The few friends I do gather do not last long if they break my heart and my trust and gaining new ones is not easy as thanks to my inability to be a good social butterfly and my lovely companion known as social anxiety.
Social anxiety is an extremely debilitating thing. A ringing phone or pop up Facebook message from a known acquaintance can make me nervous. I can fake interact with other humans, follow the actions I’m supposed to follow, and say the lines I’m expected to say, but I never feel completely comfortable around others.
I often observe, but rarely engage.
It’s awful because I actually really like people. I love having conversations with people on a wide variety of topics. I enjoy sitting with people as they talk. I like playing board games and having video game tournaments with the few friends I do have. I enjoy parties. Unfortunately, my nerves get the better of me, so these happy moments of socialization are few and far between. I fear to much of being liked, so I avoid any situations where I could potentially be socially awkward.
I don’t want to make a mistake and risk being ostracized more than I already am, so I try to avoid moments that I cannot guarantee success and comfort.
Still, with all of my social insecurities and lack of friends, I try. I try to hold eye contact and conversations even as the panic of social anxiety. I talk even every single fiber of my being is shaking with absolute terror. I go to events and parties even when the mere presence of other people.
Basically, I try.
In spite of my loneliness and fears, I keep trying to hope for companionship and friendship.