I gave my friend a hug as she walked off with her husband and family, getting the sense that she came out to the community event because she knew I really needed a friend at this time.
She took pity on me.
The past four days, my local community has been hosting an auction and sort of a mini-fair to raise money for the local library. I go every year, usually with friends, to buy old books, eat food, and buy old junk. It’s normally a great time to hang out with old acquaintances and catch up.
I couldn’t find a single soul to commit to going with me, so my mother ended up taking pity on me and going with me all four nights.
Even worse, I couldn’t even bring myself to go by myself. I have the ability to go places by myself when I need to
I can be independent; I just hate to be.
Funny thing is, I used to pride myself on being as independent as humanely possible. Maybe it was because I watched so many television shows with strong, independent main character that I thought I needed to be as independent as they were in order to be successful. I thought independence was what I had to be in order to be considered strong and better than I was. Unfortunately, looking back, I realize one thing.
I was only acting and learning to be independent because I was lonely, and no one wanted to be around me.
Being alone is great sometimes. The world can become far too chaotic and loud, and it can become overwhelming to be engaged in it all of the time. A quiet moment alone reading a book, listening to music, or watching a show on television can be extremely relaxing. It’s good to be alone if only to figure out exactly who you are as a person. You need to be alone sometime.
Being lonely is entirely different.
This whole weekend has really shown me how lonely I actually am right now. I could not find a single friend who wanted to or could spend an hour or two with me. Most people didn’t even respond to my communications to hang out at all. My best friend, who is an absolute saint right now, at least replied that she was busy before finding some availability and sharing some of her time with me. Whether she actually was up to spending time with me and wanted to or simply felt sorry for me, it meant the world to me that we got to hang out when no one else seemed to want to reach out to me.
Is it me?
As socially anxious introvert, it may seem really hard to believe that I actually like people. They can be so draining and may make me so nervous that it’s hard to function properly in high stress situations, but I love being around people. I love hearing conversation around me and even love to engage in some conversation of my own if the topic is right. Playing board games and video games with friends is a particular favorite pastime of mine, but I haven’t had much luck in finding other people to want to participate in these types of activities with me.
Basically, I’m feeling a bit alone right now.
When I’m done here writing this little blog post, I’m going to settle into a nice hot bubble bath and read a book where I can slip into the shoes of whatever protagonist the text holds and pretend their friends are my own. It may not fix my loneliness, but it will put a band-aid on it until I can figure out how to permanently remedy my problem.
I’m very much alone right now, but I’m not giving up on myself.