Today, I am really anxious.
Not sure exactly why, but I cannot shake the feeling of unease. I’ll be relaxing and sitting on the couch watch a movie or television show and absentmindedly scrolling through Facebook or text messages, and a wave of panic overwhelms me. Nothing seems to trigger it, and nothing I’m suddenly nervous about seems logically likely to happen. Still, I’m left feeling unsettled. I’m nervous about why I’m feeling nervous and nervous about things that will never happen.
To be terribly honest, I can’t actually say that I definitely have anxiety. Having never seen a mental health professional to be diagnosed with the actual mental illness itself, I cannot say it’s more than just nerves or general stress. I probably have some type of anxiety given my nervousness around social situations and the way my brain can go in a million different directions for the situations I experience throughout my life.
Given my experience as a writer, my anxious mind can invent the most creative potential moments.
I also can’t speak for everyone who experiences anxiety, mental illness or otherwise. It’s different for each person.
On a normal day, my anxiety comes out to play when I am in social situations. Hearing the phone ringing or seeing a text come up on my phone can cause a panic even before I pick up the phone or read whatever message pops up. Being around people having conversations can cause an absolute panic when my anxiety is at it’s worse. Normally, I know exactly what causes and exasperates my anxiety and how to combat it. I prepare myself for the situations and try to work through whatever is making me feel extremely anxious, normally people.
Not today. Today, I can’t exactly pin point whether my anxiety is thanks to my normal social fears and nerves, the stress I’ve been experiencing of late, or something completely different. There is no exact cause of why I am feeling so unsettled right now.
It’s driving me more crazy than I already feel.
Experiencing anxiety is a nightmare for someone like me since I used to be the type of person who relied on instinct. I used to pride myself on being able to read people and determine what they thought of me. I used to be able to almost sense when something was about to go wrong before it happened. When I was younger, before anxiety began to set in, I trusted my gut, and it rarely disappointed me. Now, I’ve lost the trust of my own instinct. I can’t be sure whether I am reading the situation correctly or if my brain has just decided to create a larger problem than what is actually going on.
It’s uncertainty about life, the universe, and everything (Douglas Adams reference FTW).
Overcoming whatever makes you anxious can feel like you’re being blindfolded and then thrown into a pool where you don’t know how deep the water goes. The water could be so shallow that your body is hurt by the abrupt impact. The water could be so deep that you drown. Then again, you could be thrown in to water that is just right.
So dive in.