Apologies for the Apologies

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I’m sorry.

I am so sorry.

These are two phrases are a regular part of the small collection of words that are uttered from my mouth. Even if I don’t speak the words themselves, I mentally apologize to the universe. Whenever the occasion requires, I apologize. I feel sorry, so I say I am sorry. It’s as simple as that. There is just one problem with all of this apologizing.

I don’t always have a clue why I am apologizing in the first place.

Guilt is extremely powerful if you’re a bit on the hyper-sensitive side like myself. Any little blow of a negative wind can compel me to feel terrible and cause me to react. I hate feeling like I have hurt people or disappointed them in any way, so I make a point to let them know I feel bad about whatever has transpired.

I apologize.

Most people will tell you the best or most obvious way to alleviate guilt is to offer up an apology to the party you have wronged. It may only be a band-aid, but apologizing is arguably the first way people should try and make up for any sort of wrongdoing they have done. It’s at least an acknowledgement that one has committed a wrong in life and feels badly about it. Sometimes, we try to make amends and are able to remedy the situation. Sometimes, we can only offer our apology. It may not be much, but it’s a start.

I firmly believe in the power and goodness of an apology. I apologize when I have done wrong in my life, but I also have a tendency to apologize whether it is my fault or not.

When bad things happen, even if I am just present, I feel the need to apologize. Sometimes, it is my fault. I then apologize. Then, I apologize again and again and again. I keep apologizing to whomever I wronged until my own guilt dissipates, usually pissing off whomever I am trying to make amends with in the situation. . Other times, I offer up apologies for situations that I did not directly affect but no one will take the blame for it. The unresolved situation needs a conclusion, and if no one will claim the blame, I either assume it was my fault or just assume fault just to resolve the situation.

Someone needs to take the blame. I want to be a good person, but I also want to be liked. Unfortunately, these two things don’t always go hand in hand.

Apologies, to me at least, show sincerity. It shows that someone understands morality and is a good person. As for me, I’m not sure if I am a good person, so I will apologize until I am hoarse just to prove to others and myself that I am a good person. Some people  may say that chronically apologizing shows a lack of sincerity, but it’s one of the only thing I know that helps feel like I am a good person.

Sorry for the sorry post.

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