Yesterday was a happy, good day.
Yesterday was a day when almost everything seemed to go right. Work went by smoothly, and I actually had some good conversations with co-workers. Well, they mostly talked with each other while I listened, but they included me as we all sat together. Later in the day, I actually got a really nice compliment from another person and my supervisor for doing what they believed to be a good and helpful job in regards to a few tasks I completed. I ended this seemingly perfect day with a nice glass of wine and some Chinese food.
Everything seemed to aline perfectly. Yesterday was a happy, good day where things decided to go in my favor, and that makes me so uneasy.
Call it a warped way of thinking, but I am much more mistrustful when things go right than when things go wrong. Maybe, I’m just a pessimist, but nowadays it seems like all we see are bad things happening in the world. One good thing happens only to be negated by five other stories of hatred, despair, and disaster. It’s hard to believe in and hold on to hope when most of the time the rug is ripped from beneath our feet the second we start to feel the smallest sliver of joy. Then again, maybe it’s just me.
I don’t understand happy.
Sadness is something that can weigh you down in life, but I’d much rather have my feet on the ground than my head in the clouds in ignorant bliss. I’m not exactly what you would call a happy soul. More often than not, I tend to lean towards a more sad demeanor. It’s like how optimists see things through rose colored glasses, but I see everything through grey colored glasses. Maybe, it’s just my perspective that pushes me in this direction, but I just don’t know or trust the feeling of being secure in happiness.
Happiness never seems to last as long as sadness, at least not for me.
Sadness, darkness, and depression are emotions that I’ve walked hand in hand with for so long that they’ve become intertwined with the person I think I have become. People, especially members of my own family, used to always joke that I was never a happy person, but it really isn’t a joke. I am more familiar with negative feelings than good ones. Sadness is more like a friend that has stood at my side throughout anything and everything, while happiness is a friend I never see who gives me a brief hug before leaving for a long time with no contact.
I wish things were different, but I don’t know if they will ever change.
Maybe one day, I will see a day filled with more light than darkness. Maybe, there will be a day when I will be able to trust all of the good things that can happen rather than anticipate the bad. Maybe, nothing will change. Who knows?
For now, I will try to relish in the brief moment where everything actually went right.
Yesterday, I was happy.