Fearful Free

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I am afraid, my friends.

Tomorrow, I will be on a plane for hours flying from Pennsylvania to California. This is the first time I will be on a plane since I was fifteen years old. For hours, there will be no where else to go but the space on the plane, and that makes me a tad bit nervous. I do not have claustrophobia, but it is a bit scary since it has been so long since I’ve been in the air. Plus, this will be the first time I will be anywhere past Ohio. I am afraid.

But, I am going to get on that plane anyway.

A lot of things make me afraid. My fears are usually weirdly abstract things like letting people down or things like that. I do have the normal fears that an average person may have like drowning and heights. Sometimes, these fears can put me into an absolute panic, and I will very nearly not move forward in my life.

But, I move forward.

There are a lot of fears about fear and how it affects us all.

“We have nothing else to fear but fear itself”

“Fear doesn’t shut you down; it wakes you up”

I am a nervous person sometimes, but I am one of the bravest people I know. Even when fear pushes me up against life’s wall and all I want to do is shut down, I push forward through my own fears to complete whatever I need to complete. Whether that fear stays with me after I am finished or evaporates, it does not matter one bit. I will always keep moving forward and never back up.

I may be quiet, but I have quiet strength.

Believe me; I get that some people thing I am a quiet, shy person, but I am not. No matter what life tries to throw at me, I am unshakeable.

I keep on flying.

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Try and Move Forward

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I tried today.

“Do one thing everyday that scares you”

That is how the saying goes.

This new year does not seem like it has gotten off to a great start. Politics are a complete mess with the government shutting down every other week. There has been a mass act of violence almost every other day in the United States alone. It has been a rough forty-five days in the new year. There does not seem to be much one can look forward to in this world these days.

So, how do I keep on keeping on?

Take a chance. This is going to be my mantra moving forward in my life and my career for the rest of the year. I cannot keep holding onto my safety net as it is getting me nowhere in my life where I am right not. I need to move beyond the same few miles I am familiar with right now. For so many years, I played it safe so I would not fall flat on my face. I took a job that was recommended by a friend of a friend after I graduated with my undergraduate degree. It was not what I expected to be in when I graduated college the first time, but I like the company I work for. I am just feeling a little stuck where I am at the current moment in time. I have now decided where I want to go in my life.

Move forward and move on.

Really?!

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Welcome to America.

It has been zero days since our last mass shooting.

As always, I am not going to point fingers at anyone because we are all to blame and will end up doing absolutely nothing to prevent situations like this from happening again. We will mourn the loss of almost twenty lives shot down. We will take our stance on one side or the other in the gun argument and pass no real laws protecting or preventing the ability to obtain a gun. Some will argue it is a mental health issue and do nothing to improve people’s ability to find real treatment or to eliminate the stigma of mental illness.

We are stuck in this cycle.

I want to do a little experiment as I always do when this type of thing happens. Think about when you first heard about the tragedy in Florida today. What was your first reaction at just hearing that there was another school shooting that occurred with only forty-five days into the new year? My phone buzzed with the news alert while I was at work. I looked at the briefing, put my phone back into my purse, shrugged, and kept working. Of course, I am sad that so many people lost their lives to a senseless act of violence, but I just felt numb. This has happened so many time that I do not think I have an ounce of emotion left in me.

Any one else out there?

I’m going to end with this. This is dedicated to the people who don’t identify with either political party that is duking it out over issues like this. Has the world gone absolutely bonkers? Like, how is this the world we live in? We experience a mass act of violence every week, and it just keeps happening.

I am tired.

Chapped

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My lips are chapped.

This time of year is horrible if you try to keep up your appearance because the weather will not allow you to have a perfectly normal day. At least four or five times a day, I have to apply hand lotion to my increasingly dry hands. My dark hair just loves to show off any sort of dryness my scalp is experiencing. Fortunately, most of the beauty issues I am going through at the moment are vanity issues and vanity issues only. However, there are a few issues with this winter weather that are causing me discomfort as well.

My eyes and lips hate this cold weather.

Living in Northeastern Pennsylvania, ice and snow along with cold air are inescapable. I have had to start my car almost a half an hour before I am about to leave in order to try and melt some of the ice off of my car. Even when I am finally ready to leave, I shiver as I settle into the driver’s seat. Half way through the ride to work, my eyes are brimming with tears thanks to the hot air blowing in my face drying my eyes out. It is a daily fight between wanting to stay warm and wanting to see out of my own eye balls.

Then, there is the lip issue.

I get chapped lips about once a year during the winter season. No matter how much I try to prepare my lips by applying chapstick or lip balm, they eventually start to dry up and crack. Sometimes, it is just my top lip that chaps up, and I can cover it up with a little makeup. Right now, I unfortunately have an all-over chap. The corners of my lips are so chapped that it is hard to open my mouth in order to speak or eat.

Winter is brutal on the body.

I should be better prepared for this weather considering I have lived here my entire life, but here I am at winter’s mercy. I am trying my best to overcome all of these minor obstacles, and I am failing.

I hate the winter right now, my friends.

Trial and Error

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I am a failure.

Well sometimes I am, but then again, aren’t we all?

You learn more from failures than you do your successes, as the old saying goes. It is true. If you constantly see a green light or always see yourself first at the finish line, you never really grow or change as a person. Failure teaches you how to adapt and maneuver around each and every obstacle life tries to throw at you. When you fall, you learn the strength you need to get yourself back up and moving forward. You don’t learn anything if you are always standing. Failure teaches you more about yourself than successes ever would.

I know how to fail.

For a more detailed account of the following, I will advise anyone reading this to check out the essay in the memoir page of this humble blog. Anyway to summarize the story, I failed a class in college. I thought I wanted to get into the music therapy and needed to take a physiology course in order to move further in the career path. I tried, and I failed. I was disappointed until I realized something.

I had no interest in any career path that dealt with that much science.

I tried, and I failed. However, I learned. I finally understood something about how I wanted my future to go. I may not have realized then, or even now, what I wanted to do with my life. However, I realized one thing.

I knew where I didn’t want to go.

Crash

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She hits the ramp at full speed to make the job on the downhill of this snowy mountain, and then she is in the air. One rotation. Two rotations. It looks like she may stick the landing.

Then, she crashes.

So, I have not been following the winter Olympics super closely. It is partly because I have little interest in winter sports, and it is also because of Celebrity Big Brother being on. I am reality television trash. Anyway, I only catch small highlights on twitter and other news sites because I really have no interest in watching. Plus, work has kept me quite busy, and I just do not have the time.

Then, the weekend came, and I had all of the time in the world.

Saturday night brought with it one of the weirder sports of the Olympics: curling. Fans of the sports may be able to describe it better, but to me, it is a sport where someone pushes a stone circle thing towards a target further down a lane of ice while their partner sweeps the ice to make friction happen. Again, it might be interesting to some, but I could only tolerate about five minutes. I did not watch anything else that night.

Today, I finally caught a little glimpse of what was going on in South Korea.

The first sport of the day was hockey. With all of the padding, I had to hit the info button on my television to tell if I was watching mens or womens hockey. It was womens, and we won. Going about my day, I did not bother watching any other sports until a few hours ago when there was nothing else on television to watch. So, I settled in to watch whatever sport seemed the most interesting.

Women’s Snowboarding.

The USA brought with them the champion from the last winter Olympics in Sochi and a team of young snowboarders ready to take their shot at glory. It was exciting to watch the returning champion battle back to reclaim her glory and to watch the new girls try and make a name for themselves. As an American, I should have been cheering just for the American snowboarders, but I found myself cheering for anyone who made it through their run without crashing.

Mostly because those crashes seemed brutal.

Wonder Why?

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I haven’t watched this movie in a while, and that is a damn shame.

Wonder Woman.

My obsession with the leading lady of DC Comics is a late in life one. Growing up, I was an anime fan. Characters like Wonder Woman and Superman were completely irrelevant   to me. I could not care less about famous super heroes like Batman. For me, my favorite superheroes were Sailor Moon and Goku from the Dragonball Franchise. I had no relationship to the American comic book heroes that most kids grew up watching and idolizing.

For the record, Sailor Moon and Goku are still my all time favorites.

However, I had a thirst for female representation in the super hero world. As someone who grew up reading Japanese Manga and Anime, I knew all too well how much potential female heroes had. Unfortunately, the American comic book world seemed to still be behind the times in terms of having strong female heroes who could stand on their own.

Then, Wonder Woman.

Wonder Woman is someone most people know of, but do not know much about. However, once DC comics began developing their own cinema universe, they knew they had to begin to develop a cinematic coming out film for their most famous heroine.

Dear God, what a movie!

Her cinematic debut was one for the ages. This was a film that had something for everyone. It had action. It had romance. It had humor. It had personality. It was just a movie that most people had not known they needed. Watching it tonight, I forgot how much a movie like this was needed.

I love this movie.