A Voice in a Chorus


I am one single person in a world of billions of people.

My life is just one of many that will pass by on this earth during the course of its own existence. My life and the characters that will play parts in the narrative of me will be forgotten to the future as time goes on. No matter what I am able to accomplish in my lifetime, no matter the type of person I end up being in the end, I will not make more than a tiny little scratch on the surface of the world. I am only one of many.

Basically, I do not matter to the universe and its operations at all.

Over the last twenty-four hours or so, we’ve seen a shift the political world. The normally  republican state of Alabama has fallen to the democrats with the election of senator-elect Doug Jones. As the voting for this historic election was taking place, there were rallying cries on both sides of the political divide that every vote matters on this historic day. People were being told that a single vote could shift the balance to one side or the other. In the end, the results were fairly close, but one candidate did manage to gather more votes than their opponent.

That’s votes. As in, more than one.

The reason Doug Jones won, other than his merits as a candidate and the allegations against his opponent, was that groups of people game together and made an impact. Groups of people came to the polls ready for change in the state they lived in. It was not just one vote; it was several votes that saved the day for Alabama. People cried out in unison for the person they believed would help their state the most, and they became a chorus of change that could not be ignored.

How can I see that and hope to make a difference in the world as just one person?

I have always had a desire to make the world a better place for myself and the people of the world. I would like to think I have a pretty solid moral compass and clearly know what is right and what is wrong. Currently, the world is on fire, unfortunately literally for some places like California, and there is so much in the world that needs to be fixed.

I know what I want to do, but it feels like I am standing at the blaze of world’s fire with a dollar store water pistol.

Can one person make a difference? I’m a non-republican, too conservative to be democrat but too liberal to be a conservative, and I live in a republican area with my republican family. I try to make small changes and plant the seeds for ideas for a better world, but it is hard when you are the only one.  How does a pebble motivate the mountain to move? It just seems impossible some days.

I’m not one in a million; I’m just one of a million.


One Vote


Well, today has been an anxiety provoking day.

Hasn’t it, America?

Ever since last year’s intense and volatile presidential election, people have seen the effect of large groups of people coming together to fight hard for the candidate they believe will best help craft the United States of America of their dreams. After the strictly conservative right became the majority in the government, the Democrats have worked tirelessly to attempt to tip the balance more towards their own favor. While people can protest and march in an attempt to oppose people and policies that they view as negative, one of the more effective ways of creating change in the current government seems to be by influencing particular elections to go in a different way. Small elections across the country have been won and lost for the Democrats and Republicans, but it is in the larger state elections where the entire country, including civilians and celebrities, take notice and do everything in their power to try and force the elections to end in a desired result.

The fight seems to have come to a bit of a head in the normally republican state of Alabama.

I live in Pennsylvania, but the senatorial election in Alabama has been flooding my various social media news feeds for months now. Being a typically republican state, some conservatives viewed this elections as an easy win. Democrats saw this as an opportunity to flip a seat. The normal political mud slinging started as usually, but then the story took a weirdly dark and creepy turn. Republican candidate Roy Moore started getting accused of sexual assault of multiple minors. The story began to spiral out of control, and suddenly, the easy seat was not so easy as the Democrats produced seemingly decent candidate with little scandal found to his name. Even with all of the accusations and a few questionable quotes from various campaign rallies, some republicans still believed that Moore was better than voting for a democrat. The election came very close to night with each candidate spending some time at the top of the polls. However, when the smoke cleared, the results would shock the red state of Alabama.

Doug Jones, the Democratic nominee, wins in the end.

Celebrities who identify as democrats rallied hard for this man, and I genuinely think this largely helped Jones gain a following. From volunteering their time in the state whether they were native or otherwise to promoting the election and how to vote of their own social media accounts, people gather together to support the candidate they thought best represented America.

Time to say goodbye to Roy Moore…

…and the horse he rode in on.

(Look it up; he came to the polls on horseback)

When Giants Fall


The New England Patriots are losing, and the game is almost into the fourth quarter.

Better yet, they are losing to the Miami Dolphins.

Watching football always makes for an entertaining evening. There is action, uncertainty, hope, fear, excitement. There are hits that happen so hard that careers are ended, and there are fines so high that they are more than I make in a year. The game’s outcome is left uncertain until the final second of the last fifteen minutes of the game. Even then, they can apparently still run a play or two with no time on the clock. It can be exciting, but it can also drive you absolutely insane when your favorite team is playing. If your team is down well during this particular season, than you watch for a win to better your chances of making it to the Super Bowl. If your team has not been performing well, than you are just looking for some indication that there is still some life in your favorite teams.

I am an Indianapolis Colts fan, so I am just all out of hope and just want to make sure there is still a shred of the former Super Bowl champs still left.

My team has not done well in the past couple of years. We have struggled with injuries and poor play calls. They just are not the team I grew up watching. When I watch a Colts game, I am proud until we reach the fourth quarter when I have to hide under a blanket, leave the room, or turn off the game as they always end up falling apart in the last fifteen minutes of the game. Their games are exciting and then disappointing, and it is getting exhausting to watch as a fan.

It’s nice to watch a game where I do not have a true care in who wins and to see a team I do not necessarily care for lose.

Sure, the Patriots will probably pull a win out of the air as there is still a quarter left. They have proven themselves to be able to do this before. I cannot say whether or not I think the team is actually good or whether quarterback Tom Brady deserves the hype he always gets, but the Patriots always seem to pull out a win. They have a good system in place and have five Super Bowl rings. Unfortunately, they also have a history of playing a little dishonestly.

Maybe I am rejoicing because the giants of the National Football League are being defeated by a team most people do not always think of as good.

Oh never mind, I started this post when before the game ended, and finished just as the game has reached its finale.

How about ‘dem Dolphins!

Miami wins.

Winter has Come


Apparently, I am less like Elsa from Disney’s Frozen than I had initially thought.

The cold does in fact bother me.

It bothers me a lot.

Right now, during the middle of December, I am wrapped up in a knitted blanket and covered by about five more blankets. My bed has become my evening resting place in my attempts to combat the cold in the air. My feet are currently wrapped up in a new pair of slipper socks, and I am sipping a hot cup of tea trying in vain to warm up from the icy grip of December. I have been trying my absolute hardest to find some way of raising my body temperature, but I am still catching the worst chill.

I hate this cold so much, which is weird if you knew how much I actually love winter.

Normally, I am an absolute ice princess. Part of the reason for that is my normal body temperature. You know how there is always that one person in a group that cannot get warm. It can be the middle of June, and this person will be bundled up in scarves and jackets. Well, I am normally just the opposite. I am usually someone who always runs a little hot. I always have to dress in layers at work because I will always end up taking as many off as I can and still look work appropriate. My air conditioner in my bedroom is almost always on at full blast at the highest setting, and I will still wake up in a sweat. Typically, I run hot and prefer it to be a bit cooler.

I finally took out my air conditioner two days ago.

The first major snow storm finally graced northeastern Pennsylvania, and I am hating it. It hit on a day when I was about an hour from home at a resort water park. While I should have left the idea of the cold and the snow covered landscape outside until I was leaving, the idea of my new car attempting to venture back home kept my from fully enjoying my water filled day inside. As I left, the chill of the air mixed with my anxiety of my brother attempting, successfully I should add, to maneuver my car home. I tried to take in the beauty of the snow covered landscape because snow in the mountains is always a sight, but all I could worry about is my new car getting destroyed and how cold I still felt even when I was inside a warm car.

It makes me sad because snow usually brings me such joy.

I think I am finally growing up when it comes try this time of year because I am not seeing the wonder in the season as I once had. Usually, I rejoiced when there was a blanket of snow on the ground. Now, I worry about the roads and my car. I used to enjoy the cold weather as it set in.

Now, I freeze.

Alcohol and Anxiety.


I woke up with a bad hangover at a hotel in the middle of a snow storm.

Then, I spent the day at the hotel’s indoor water park.

Allow me to start off this little story with a disclaimer. I do not drink in excess. That is what college is for, and I personally never had much time to stop and have a drink in college because I was always at marching band or color guard. I never drink and get behind the wheel of a car. I never mix my alcohols, and I always stop when I feel the drinks starting to affect me. I know my limits, and I only drink one or two drinks when I do choose to partake in adult beverages.

When there is a company holiday party for the company that you work for at a resort with an indoor water park and your company is offering to pay for drinks, a hotel room, and a day at the resort’s water park, you start to bend a few of those particular rules.

Heading into my company’s holiday party, I will say that I kept some of my drinking rules in place. I did not mix my alcohols and stuck to margaritas all night. I paced myself in between drinks and made sure to eat between drinks and to sip on some water. Still, I was enjoying myself so I let the drinks flow a little more freely. Sticking to one type of liquor and pacing saved me from making a fool of myself and gave me a little courage to be a little more social and outgoing than my normal self.

I had a good time until I woke up and saw two inches of snow already on the ground.

So at one hundred pounds, multiple margaritas will very much take their toll on the body.  When it comes to liquor, I am a light weight. I woke up in my hotel room with a pounding head ache and an insanely high desire to stay in the hotel room until I had to check out. Then I get a text to look out the window.  I stumble out of bed to see sheets of white falling fairly heavily on the ground.

Then, the thought of heading home from this resort located in the mountains crept in, and I started to get anxious.

Alcohol and anxiety do not mix.


Party Animal

I hate parties.

I say this as I sip my third margarita trying to gain enough liquid courage to get through the majority of my company’s holiday party. I sit trying to make pleasantries with half-drunk coworkers dancing the night away from free alcohol provided by the resort that the company paid to host the holiday event. I try to participate the best I can, but I always feel like I fall completely short in the social department.

Parties are not my strong suit.

I will say it once, and I will say it until I am blue in the face. I have social anxiety. People sometimes make me a little nervous, and having to interact with people and what entails with those social interactions can make me extremely uncomfortable.

Still, I sit and try.

I cannot stand parties, but I still sign up to show up at the annual Winter holiday party celebration. It was at the suggestion

I hate parties.

Because of my nerves around other human people, parties are not a fun experience for me. I am not always sure what I am supposed to say to the other attendees at the soirée.

Still, I try.

(Sorry for the short post)

Beauty Feels Like A Beast


They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Well, what do you do when the beholder doesn’t even look your way?

Better yet, what are we supposed to do when we ourselves do not even see ourselves as anywhere near beautiful?

Beauty is only skin deep.  People have been telling us this since we were able to comprehend language. It is what is on the inside that counts, and we should always focus  on the content of our character and the character of others. Of course, we should. People are more than just whatever one can see on the outside. We have minds that think amazing thoughts and personalities with various likes and dislikes. We have hearts that love and hate. We are more than just our physical bodies.

Unfortunately, the fact of the matter is that our appearance matters no matter what we try to do or say because our eyes usually see before our mind is able to process the person underneath the skin.

Experiment time, boys and girls. This is something that I think each and every person should stop and do every once and a while. Take a good and hard look in the mirror. Strip down to the most naked you are comfortable being, clothes or not. Wipe off your makeup and really look at the person you are. Examine each and every aspect of your reflection. Look at the way your hair falls or doesn’t. Look at the quality of your skin. Taken in the shape of your body. Who are you? How do you think you look when you take the time to look at yourself in the mirror.

Do you think you are beautiful?

You should. Forget about whatever society is saying is beautiful nowadays and focus on just how you feel about you. You should always think you are beautiful. Nothing should stop you from staring at yourself in the mirror and smiling. If something stops you or makes you question your own self worth or beauty, something needs to change. Either, you need to make different physical choices like working out more or less or utilizing different beauty products, or you need to start to examine your own personal ideas of self worth and value.  You should always think you are beautiful, and if you do not, then things need to change. I wish I was able to follow that practice myself.

Personally, I do not think I am beautiful.

When I do my own practice of that little self-examination experiment, I struggle with the image I see before me in the mirror. My self-perceived flaws have changed over the years. When I was about twelve, I was self-conscious about how scrawny I was without any sort of womanly curve to define me. As a teenager, I hated my skin. As an adult, I can say that I have come full circle and am back to hating how damn scrawny I am and how boney I look.

Time to change.