Empty Glass


“We are going to lose.”

This is something I always say the second something goes even remotely wrong during a football game for my beloved, ranked second in the nation college football team of Penn State. They are undefeated so far this season and have given most fans no cause to doubt any of their abilities during the game.

They shouldn’t have any major issues in winning it all and earning all Northeastern Pennsylvania residents a dollar medium coffee on the Monday after their likely win.

Still, when I see even the slightest crack in the perfect design of a Penn State play, I prepare for the possibility that they might lose against whatever opponent is set to play against them. They are normally a second half team that gets stronger as the game goes on, but I cannot help but become a little afraid when I see something go a little off from their normally crisp precision. Things will probably turn out alright, but I feel the need to assume that the tight machine will somehow unravel and cause my life long favorite college team will lose it all in a horrendous defeat.

I prepare for the worst. It is as simple as that.

Okay, I know what you are thinking. I am the type of girl who sees the glass as half full, but it is nowhere near like that. The glass is half filled; I am merely assuming that whatever is in the glass will eventually empty, and we will be left with just a glass with nothing in it worth anything. I prepare for being without the contents of the glass. If a single drop spills out of the glass, I act as though the entire glass will empty so I will be able to survive once I have been left with just an empty glass. I act as though things will eventually go wrong.

It’s not so much that I am pessimistic; it’s more like I am just anxious and want to be prepared for anything to potentially go wrong.

When you are an anxious person, you constantly assume that something will go wrong, even when there is no logical or obvious reason for whatever you are experiencing will go wrong. Your brain is constantly crafting and creating the worst possible outcome for any and all choices you make during your day to day life. Hell, your anxious brain assumes you will be negatively affected by the actions of others and situations you only watch or read about on television or in the news. It is not negativity to think like that.

It is survival.

When you prepare for the worst, you make the attempt to give yourself some sort of security. It’s like building yourself a metaphorical, or literal if you are some sort of doomsday type person, bomb shelter.  You act as though the world is going to end in order for you to be better prepared to survive whatever life may through at you.

It’s survival.


Hello Stranger


What’s the protocol when you run into an old acquaintance you haven’t seen in years?

Tonight, at a rare occasion where I actually went out and socialized with other human beings in public, I had the opportunity to be reintroduced to someone I hadn’t seen in the better part of ten years. Back in the day, we actually interacted almost daily for various activities and tasks that needed to get done.  Through various circumstances, we parted ways and have not really kept in touch at all since we last were in the same room.

Tonight, I don’t think I even looked over to say hello as I walked out of the building.

So, it wasn’t like we parted on bad terms. I think fondly of the times we spend together. During the hard times, this person made it possible for me to see the light. They gave me some place to go when I felt trapped. During the good times, this person helped me achieve heights I had only dreamed of reaching on my own. This was a good friendship. However, we were in contact in a completely different decade. Changing world events have etched away at us and crafted new individuals than the ones that we were during our familiar years.

The people we were aren’t here anymore.

I was a different person ten years ago. Still in high school, I was a seventeen year old with so many dreams to achieved and so many ideas to plan. I was angry, and I had fire. There was potential and possibility before me. The world was before me, and I was all too ready to take it for my own and make a well-known name for myself. College awaited, and I wanted to shake off anything left of my old life. I wanted to completely reinvented me.

High school me died the night I graduated.

Mind you, I could say the exact same thing about college me. I left her in my college dorm as I traveled back home to begin looking for work in my adult life.   In my adult life, I’ve crafted an entirely persona. It seems like every chapter in my life makes a new me. It’s a new character in a different story.

I’m not completely sure of who I am right now,  but I’m not who I used to be.

When I see people from my old lives, I never know how to act because the me they knew is not the me they will meet again. I’ve experienced new experiences that have completely augmented who I am. When the aforementioned person last saw me, I was an angry teenager with the entire world before me. Now, I am a woman in her late twenties who just wants to figure out how to keep her head above the water some days. It is basically like asking me to say hello to a stranger because I’m sure this person has been changed as well.

So, I just kept walking.

The Goal? Have No Goals.


Question of the day: what is your goal in life?

Ah, goals.

Every little action we perform in our lives will always produce some sort of an outcome, a direct result of our various choices made throughout the day. No matter what we may want for our efforts, the outcome may be good or it may be bad. The potential outcome that we would like to happen for any given situation can be considered our goal.  Goals are basically the desired outcome of a task or any other type of activity. We all have them and try to set them in various points throughout our lives. Most normal people have clear cut goals as to what they want to do in life. However, I am very much an abnormal person, so my future is nowhere near as clear.

I’m not really sure what my goals are.

I don’t have any goals for my goals.

Okay, so I know I have things I want in life. I am dreams of being a successful writer. I want to move out to California, London, or New York. I want to have some sort of worldwide romance with my dream guy. There are a lot of things I would absolutely love to have in my life, but these are all just dreams dreamt by a girl who has her head constantly in the clouds. These are not goals.

There isn’t any sort of outline to making these dreams a reality.

I think the reason I don’t try to turn my various dreams into goals is because I’m constantly changing the narrative of how I would reach these goals.  I know where I want to be in my life. I just have no clue on how I am getting there. Take my romantic goals. I’ve dreamed up the perfect romance for myself. I’ve put my in the perfect place and designed the perfect romance for us. I have mentally written each and every detail in my mental notebooks.

Problem is, I have no clue how I’d even meet this guy.

Like I said, I know exactly what I would want in my life. I just have no clue where to start to making these various dreams a reality. The desire is clear, but I have no clue where to put the drive towards. I have all the energy in the world to push myself to where I need to go, but I cannot focus this energy to a specific point to the places I should go. I cannot turn my dreams into goals, but maybe that isn’t the point.

Maybe, I’m not supposed to know how exactly I am going to achieve my goals.

No matter what we would want to like to happen in this world, life can and will always catch us by surprise. We may have set goals in life, but those goals can often change as we ourselves begin to shift and change.

My new goal is to have no goals, but just to keep dreaming

I Need a Love Song


I am single.

I am single, and I think I am ready to mingle.

Personally, autumn is the season for love. Maybe it is the colder weather in the air and having no one to cuddle with at night. Maybe it is the lonely days at work sitting at my work computer typing quietly without a lot of good conversation. Maybe, I want to feel like I matter to someone above all others. Whatever the case, I’d like to experience some sort of romance with a handsome fella right about now. I just don’t exactly have a clue where I am supposed to start trying to find a love of my own. How does one find this sort of thing?

Let’s treat this lack of love themed post like one of those dating apps that never seem to work for me.

To start, how am I a prospect for potential suitors? I know the basics about myself. I’m twenty-seven, five foot four, slim, brown eyes, brown hair, and live in Northeastern Pennsylvania. Great, I know my basic character stats. Now what? How do I make my other, less conventional personality traits seem attractive to the opposite sex? I’m a socially anxious nerdy bookworm vegan with the weirdest collection of music you will ever hear that ranges from broadway to hard rock. I hate small talk. Super attractive, right? (Not)

Once I get that settled, what exactly am I looking for in a man?

So far, I have two requirements for any potential male suitors. They must be between the ages of 21-31 and live within about thirty minutes of me. That, and they cannot be a hunter. As a vegan, I feel like that needs to be an absolute given. Someone who will not cheat on me, but I think most people want a partner who is faithful. If I want to get a little more specific, I guess I’d want someone who is a complete nerd like me. I’d like a person who could lounge in front of the television watching hours of one television show on Netflix. I’d love someone who would understand all of my references without me having to explain them. Another trait is a dark, twisted sense of humor to match my own dark, twisted sense of humor.  If you are going to pursue me, you have to be able to make me laugh so hard I start to cry.

Who knows? Maybe my mister right won’t check off any of those boxes.

All I know is I am ready to fall in love. I am ready to be a little vulnerable and open up to someone who might be with me for the rest of my life or for only five minutes.  At twenty-seven, I think I am finally ready to start doing the whole dating thing that most people do ten years before they reach the age of twenty-seven. I may not know exactly the specific things I want, but I know one thing.

I am ready.

The Girl I Used to Be


I’m sorry. The old Jackie can’t come to the phone right now. Why? Oh…

…’cause she’s dead.

So normally, I get on my own case about how my life just seems so incredibly stuck. I live in the same house, on the same street, in the same neighborhood, in the same town, and I haven not really ventured too far out of my boring, normal reality. I see all of my high school friends moving out and moving on. Some are getting married. Some are having kids. Hell, a few of my classmates have gotten married, had babies, and even gotten divorced and remarried. Sometimes, it just feels like I and my boring life will never really change from the way they have always been. It is starting to get incredibly depressing.

Then, I unknowingly break an old, bad habit and start to realize how far I have actually come in my life.

When I received a text message today from someone from high school, I thought nothing of it as I walked into the gym for my daily work out.  It was not any sort of an emergency so I put my phone away, put my headphones in, and enjoyed thirty minutes of exercise in an empty gym. I left the gym and drove home to begin typing out my daily blog post. I was not even thinking about the text message I received earlier, especially since I am not someone who is attached at the ear to my cell phone, until I went to check my email that I saw the little red one next to my text message app. I responded nearly an hour later with a one word answer and moved on with the rest of my blog post. It was not until a bit later that I realized something that made me laugh uncontrollably.

I used to have the biggest crush on this guy.

Time hop provides daily reminders of this long time not-quite a love affair. We would flirt, text, fight, not talk, and then repeat the process. He is a good guy, but we do not have the greatest of relationships and should probably stay casual friends. Every time he would text me, I would not even waste a second in replying. I was locked into this cycle and fall for its trapped each and every time. He text and flirted, and I would respond each and every single time without fail.

Then after a while and some common sense kicking in, I just stopped responding.

I am incredibly proud of myself for this change in reaction. At first, it was hard not to fall into old habits. I liked the attention and the conversation, especially when I would get lonely when I was away at school. Then, once some time had passed, I simply stopped feeling much of anything for the guy who made my life in high school.  I guess I just started to grow up and move on in my own way.

A Bad Case of the Mondays


shadowsDear God, do I hate Mondays!

After a sleepy, lazy weekend going at a slow and easy pace, the first day in the five day work week has finally arrived.  Now, I have to fold my pajamas and put them back in the drawers after I wake up instead of staying in them all day. Now, I put on a bra and other work appropriate clothes, get into my car, drive to work, and sit in front of a computer doing specific tasks. It is a drastic shift in momentum for me, so I try my best to prepare myself to transition into a work read mentality. Usually, when eight in the morning rolls around on Monday morning, I am ready to start my day with energy to spare.

No matter how much I try to prepare mentally prepare to shift from weekend mode to work mode, sometimes my body just refuses to catch up.

My eyes start to shut, and my head begins to droop in blissful relaxation. I feel sleepiness over as I start to let my body relax for sleep before I remember that the office is no place to take a good long nap. Having missed my morning coffee, I get up almost every hour to grab a cup of caffeinated tea in the hopes that eventually something will spark my energy and get rid of my fatigue. Nothing seemed to alleviate my exhaustion, and I kept apologizing to my supervisor at my abnormally lethargic nature today.

I don’t think I fully woke up today until about eleven.

Mornings are never great for night owls like me. We naturally just function better when the sun goes down. Most of my activities take place in the evening hours. I work out at night, shower at night, blog at night, and just generally do most of my non-work activities  after hours. My mind and body are finally awake, and this allows me to best perform at whatever I would need or want to in my life. Sleeping like normal person, going to bed at a normal hour and getting a full eight hours or so of sleep, does absolutely nothing for me. I do not function as well in the morning as I do at night. Coffee helps, but it is not a perfect fix to cure the roughness that mornings bring.

Mondays are just the worst.

Monday mornings are the absolute worse. To start, my brain is trying to shift into work mode to best perform my job as efficiently as I need to do to do a good job and stay employed. Even worse, it has to do that during my worst time of day, the morning.  Usually, to try and fix the Monday morning blues, I drive to work in my sleepiness, park, and get out of my car into the crisp fall air. Then, I pop my headphones in and walk to the closest coffee shop to grab a large coffee to try and fight off the fatigue.

Still, mornings are the worst.

There is a Season


Today, the temperature reached the mid seventies in Northeastern Pennsylvania

Tomorrow, I will wake up to temperature that will not even reach fifty degrees.

It is officially the autumn season…or so I think since the weekend is showing temperatures close to or in the seventies.

Whatever the whether may be as we head into the third week in October, it is the autumn season. Holidays like Halloween and Thanksgiving loom in the near future, and we are all gathering up our decorations and seasonal foods to prepare for the events that these special times and seasons are known for. People are driving to stores to aquire costume pieces to go out and gather candy from strangers…or to get picked up at a bar, really it depends on your age. Leaves are changing and falling off of the trees, creating piles across the dying lawns of the world. Everything is pumpkin flavored for some strange reason. Anyway, with the changing season, these times usually fill people with excitement, joy, and energy.

I am completely exhausted.

Normally, when Fall hits the Northeast, it is a time to bundle up because the weather outside is going to increasingly get colder and colder without any sort of relief . Normally,  people venture outside early in the morning to start their cars to defrost the morning dew that has turned to ice in the cold air. Normally, you expect the cold air and begin to put away all of your shorts, skirts, and t-shirts in favor of long pants and heavy sweaters to keep warm.

Not this time. This weather has not been consistent for more than a couple of days.

One day, it is so hot that I am overheated even sitting in an air conditioned room wearing only a sports bra and shorts. The next day, I am buried in blankets and still freezing. I’m somebody who is affected greatly by this insane, constant shift in the weather. The fact that I am never sure exactly how I am supposed to dress from day to day is incredibly annoying, but transitioning from the hot to the cold and from the cold to the hot is really starting to affect me physically.

Like I said, I’m exhausted.

This weekend, I didn’t do much. I slept in until almost eleven on Saturday. Then, a few hours after I woke up, I was so damn tired that I felt the desire to take a long nap to try and gain a little more energy to get through the rest of my day.  Sunday pretty much began and started the same way. I woke up at nearly eleven in the morning, lounged around my house for a bit, felt tired even though I did not do much of anything, took a long nap, and then lounged around for a bit.

This weather is awful.

Dear Mother Nature, please kindly make up your mind as to what season it is. This is getting absolutely ridiculous.

Love, me.